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Once The Pain Is Gone

01/27/2010

Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves.

On September 15th, 2007, the life I had so carefully constructed, shattered in the blink of an eye. A year ago, I would have told you that night destroyed the next two months of my life. Because for two months, I cried. I would break down, and physically shake in anger, in sadness, in fear. I struggled to get through each day, watching my heart fall to pieces, and feeling incredibly alone. The truth is, that night didn’t just destroy two months of my life. I let it affect me every day for the next two years.

I downright refused to deal with the pain. As long as I wasn’t crying, I convinced myself I was okay. Hell, I told anyone who would listen that I was okay, that I was better, that I was happy. And I was, until suddenly I wasn’t, and I would find myself back in bed, tears streaming down my face, body trembling under the covers. I wasn’t okay because I had yet to accept what happened. I refused to believe that I wouldn’t be receiving an apology. And I was unaware that an apology wasn’t even what I was looking for.

Fast forward to an ordinary evening, sometime last year when I finally realized, and accepted, that I wasn’t okay. That bottling up anger, hatred and resentment was not healthy, and not something I could continue doing. I couldn’t continue having five, ten, fifteen great days, only to have them destroyed by moments, that turned into hours, and then days, of fury.

Once I admitted that I was in pain, I wanted to run. I wanted to escape, to move, to start fresh. But life isn’t about fleeing. I wasn’t going to learn anything by packing my bags, and pretending my past didn’t exist. I needed to stay, to fight, to figure out how to deal with the pain.

I started by reading Blink and The Lucifer Effect, both of which I highly recommend. I needed to understand what happened, and I needed to learn how to move on. So I read, and I ran, and I began practicing yoga in my living room. Slowly, I started to break down the walls I had spent two years building. I learned that forgiveness is a sign of strength, not weakness, and in that, I was able to forgive the person I had grown the most angry with – myself.

It took me a very long time to get to where I am now, but I am incredibly glad I made the decision to release the anger, sadness and fear, and to feel the pain. Life isn’t a fairytale. Our bodies thrive on emotional activity. Stifling negative emotions doesn’t empower the positive ones – it only creates a roadblock of monotony.

These days, I am happier than I’ve ever been because I don’t stop myself from feeling. Pretending I am not angry or hurt, when I am, is destructive.

These days, I actively deal with the pain as it happens, so I am able to then let it go.

These days, I expect greatness, and I surround myself with people who deliver.

I encourage you to do the same.

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11 comments

  1. I can remember so many long talks about this. It was back when we didn’t really know each other all that well but were both struck by how open and honest we could be with each other. We were both in such a different place then. I remember the daily bbms throughout the holidays – both of us struggling with these things.

    You are such a great writer and I have missed your words. So proud of you for figuring all of this out. You are wise beyond your years, love! We have come a long way in the pas year, eh? (That was me trying to be Canadian.)


  2. So two posts in to this new blog and the first one made me really happy and this made me really happy and made me cry. Partially because I’m struggling with similar issues, partially because you’re such a strong woman, partially because it’s just such a beautiful post and the human spirit is so resilient, it astounds me.

    Thrilled your back to writing. You definitely have a knack for it.


  3. This is just what I needed to hear today. I have had a rough 6 months or so – since I decided to get divorced. It becomes official tomorrow and while I am excited about moving on and getting on with my life; part of me is scared too. And I (surprise!) use food to deal with my emotions which is why I’ve been struggling with gaining/losing/maintaining my weight for that same period of time. I know I can find a better way to deal with things and I need to just do it.

    You have made some great positive changes and I hope to start doing the same soon!


  4. Beautifully written post. I’m so glad you’re doing so much better now. Some things effect us in ways we can’t imagine and you’re so right, we can’t hide from the emotions or feelings – we need to face them – or they’ll never go away!

    I’m very happy you’re back to blogging! You’re an awesome writer!


  5. “These days, I expect greatness, and I surround myself with people who deliver.”

    I need to find some people who deliver. I’m gonna get right on that.


  6. rondamarie sums up my thoughts perfectly.

    ” “These days, I expect greatness, and I surround myself with people who deliver.”

    I need to find some people who deliver. I’m gonna get right on that. “


  7. Wow. I don’t know why you ever stopped blogging, but your words influence. I’m glad you found a peace and a place to be real. It’s been over two years since the time I refer to as, “the dark period”. I have let go of what happened, but forgiving myself and being real with myself is still a struggle almost daily. This is encouraging and I love the post. I believe, in my world, samdotcom will be something I read daily to move forward. Thank you.


  8. I have lived through two pretty traumatic events and can really relate to this post. Thanks.


  9. Man, I am SO glad you’re back to blogging. You write so beautifully and truthfully, it’s fantastic to read. I’m happy that you’re happy now. 🙂


  10. I’m so proud to call you my friend. You are such a beautiful person, inside and out.


  11. Kicked me right in the pants. Thanks.



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