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Dark, Twisty and Awesome.

01/25/2010

Who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins? It’s not on the calendar, it’s not a birthday, it’s not a new year, it’s an event —big or small, something that changes us, ideally it gives us hope, a new way of living and looking at the world, letting go of old habits, old memories. What’s important is that we never stop believing we can have a new beginning, but it’s also important to remember amid all the crap are a few things really worth holding on to.

Nearly a year ago I made the decision to just be. To stop worrying about what others thought of me. To stop spending my days overwhelmed with stress, and the feeling of not living up to everyone’s expectations. I made a decision to focus on living in the present, to love those surrounding me, and to create a life in which I was happy living.

I am proud to say that for the most part, I have accomplished my goal. From the outside, my life today is very similar to what it was a year ago. I am employed by the same company, I am training, practicing and traveling with the same team, and I have the same core group of friends. It is internally in which I am incredibly different. I skate harder, run faster and play with a passion I didn’t know I had in me. I respect my coworkers, and have developed an adoration for my position which had previously left me unfulfilled. I have strengthened bonds with friends, let go of past grudges, and learned that to forgive is not easy, but is always worth it.

There are two things I do every night after I crawl into bed and before I drift off to sleep. First, I check Peter DeWolf’s blog. Second, I rate my day on a scale of 1 to 10. Occasionally I take productivity into account, but for the most part, it is simply a happiness scale. To both strangers and friends, was I kind? Did I walk with a skip in my step and a smile on my face? Did I stand up for what I believe in, was I lighthearted, and did I allow worries to roll off my back?

I usually give myself a 9. Occasionally a 10, and on the days where I am lured back to the stress of being a Type A personality, the number is significantly lower. I play this game every night because it reminds me. Reminds me to be present in each moment. That planning ahead is okay, but spending entire days stressed about the future is not.

It reminds me of the best friends I have chosen to spend my time and share my secrets with. That I have three of the most compassionate, charming and hilarious girls by my side, along with an incredible boy who has been my rock since kindergarten. The game reminds me to be fully invested in the long, emotional conversations, to be thankful for every 3am dance party and to cherish the laughter during the many impromptu games of Cranium we play.

I’ve learned that my dark and twisty past is not something I will allow to hold me back. That I can be quirky, awkward, stunning and awesome, and that flaws are something to be consciously worked on, not something to ever feel defeated by.

My name is Sam. Welcome to my life. Welcome to my blog.

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45 comments

  1. YOU’RE BACK. Omg, my life is now complete.


    • Following in your footsteps, little lady. ❤


  2. i’m excited to read in the days to come – and i must say…peter’s blog before bed is one of my favorite not-so-guilty pleasures.


    • Right? My nightly dose of awesome.


  3. I’m so excited that you’re back, & I LOVE the idea of a happiness scale.


    • I’m so excited to be back! Thank you, miss 🙂


  4. Gorgeous writing! Welcome back!


    • Aw shucks 🙂 Thanks, pretty!


  5. So glad you decided to start blogging again. Loved your first entry – what a wonderful way to end your day. I should start doing that 🙂


    • You’re a gem. And I highly recommend it 🙂 I find myself consciously making choices during the day to give myself a better ‘score’ that night. It helps.


  6. such a perfect first entry. i love your face.


    • Oh I just love everything about you. Let’s play. Now.


  7. Great first entry. I loved it.


    • Ah, thank you! I’m excited to check out your .com 🙂


  8. I happened across your blog because so many of my twitter peeps were raving about your blogroll, and it is awesome. I will add you to my reader.


    • I believe I have tracked you down on twitter 🙂 Thanks for the add, and the kind words.


  9. Wow. Incredible post. I can’t wait to read more. The reminder to just be in the present is a great one..and I should probably read this every day in case I forget.


    • Goodness, thank you! I’ve only read your “Wouldn’t you like to know?” and I’m already in love with your blog.


  10. Wow. That could be the most flattering blog linkage ever. Thanks so much.

    Great post. I hope there’ll be many to follow it.


    • One day, I’ll comment. I swear.


  11. You? Are great.


  12. Found you via twitter and your FANTASTIC blogroll! Now I love your writing too. I’m not sure if I read you before? I may have. 🙂 Welcome back, nonetheless!


    • Eee, Doni’s soon-to-be roommate! Thank you so much. I just found myself absolutely lost in your blog – your writing is gorgeous!


  13. You have made my day!!! You don’t have a clue how much I’ve missed you! I’m SO excited you are back!!!!


    • You know I couldn’t stay away from you forever 🙂 Glad to be back, love!


  14. I too found you through all the excitement on Twitter. The idea of a daily score is very intriguing. And I would like to commend you on finding happiness not by starting fresh with a new job, friends, etc but simply by changing your outlook. It’s inspiring. I’m looking forward to following you.


    • Awe, thank you so much for stopping by, and for your sweet words.


  15. Yay! Glad you are back!!


    • It’s like BB7: Allstars up in here.


  16. aw welcome back sam! you have been missed.


  17. I am SO happy you are back….I was so sad when you disappeared even though we were still Twitter friends.

    Hooray! 🙂

    I love the happiness scale. I should do that to get rid of my Type A tendencies


    • Haha, thanks love! Trying to cram all my thoughts into 140 characters got a bit tiring 🙂
      Happiness scale totally calms me down. Try it!


  18. I am apparently not the only one who was lured over here by Twitter rumors of your awesome blogroll. But! I shall stay for the kickass writing I’m seeing. ADDED.


    • Haha, thank you so much! I’m excited to head over to your space.


  19. Um, can you run a seminar or share some tips on how you did this? Is it as simple as it sounds? Either way, I’m so glad that you are back and so glad to hear that things are going well for you, too. That’s really a great exercise to do each evening. Maybe I should start my Grace in Small Things journal up again. That would probably help me. Lovely, beautiful post. Lovely, beautiful you!


    • You are the sweetest. Like, for real. I’ll definitely be sharing parts of the journey and tips here and there! And of course, feel free to email me! oxo


  20. Welcome back, baby!! Missed your face.

    Ps your blogroll kicks so much ass that it should probably be illegal.


    • The only thing that should be illegal is your hotness.


  21. You are stunning and awesome…and awkward. 🙂 I’m proud of you for getting back to blogging! You know I will be willing to read EVERY SINGLE DAY. Blog often, my friend! And no more secrets… Haha.


    • Eeee I love you. And miss you. And love you. Lots.


  22. Now this is a welcome!

    Welcome back! 🙂


    • Right?! Blogosphere = awesome. Like you 🙂


  23. YAY! I’m SO EXCITED to see this 🙂



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